Change began when I accepted ownership of my situation.
I spent years casting blame to external sources and feeling like a victim. How could this happen to me? I’m a good person, how could I be cursed with an Anxiety Disorder? After repeatedly blaming these external sources, I needed to hit bottom to realize that the reasons why were not important, this was the reality and once I accepted it, I could then begin doing something about it. By focusing on the anger and resentment it had done nothing to move me forward, but only served to further cement my place in victim mode by focusing on the anger and frustration. This change in mindset was the most critical point in my turn around as I took ownership of my situation and began researching what caused it.
Learning the information about what causes panic attacks made me feel more comfortable when having them because I finally knew what was occurring with my body, thoughts, and behaviours. The sensations and thoughts were still frightening and did place a heavy physical and emotional toll on me, but I finally knew what was happening, which was a big relief.
This alleviated a lot of the frustration I internalized as a result from not knowing why or what the attacks were doing and left me helpless to my mind. It was a significant step in regaining control and the recovery process as it led me to understand that by not accepting the reality and seeking information and help, I was guaranteeing that I would not get better.
Once I got out of my own way, the path to recovery was easier to map out, but following through and making change would be another challenge, but one that was possible and rewarding on a level that cannot be described in words.